


I'm Sorry

by nt2you



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 04:28:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nt2you/pseuds/nt2you
Summary: It was an accident that the doctor saw your scars, but that doesn't change the fact that now he's probably going to make you leave. Why wouldn't he? But you can't go home. You won't.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: mentions of self-harm and suicide

   “Y/N, I need to look at your arm. You’ve cut it.”

   “Doctor, I’m fine.”

   “No really, I need to look at your arm!” I try to move past him, out the door, but he stops me. He grabs my wrist and I try to pull away, but can’t. He pulls my arm up and my sleeve down. I cry out. “Oh. Oh, Y/N... I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize...”

   “Let go of me.” He’s loosened his grip and I yank my arm away, pulling my sleeve back down to cover the scars that criss cross my arm. I run out of the room and slam the door behind me, leaving the Doctor frozen, staring after me. I run to my room and throw the door closed behind me. I scream in frustration and grab the closest thing near me, tossing it against the opposite wall. The tears start and I slide down the door, curling up in a ball. _Damn it. Why does every relationship have to end like this?_ After crying for a while, I crawl over to whatever I threw against the wall, curious. I find a picture frame, the glass is broken, scattered around, but the picture is lying there on the floor, looking up at me, taunting me. It’s a picture of the Doctor and I standing on some foreign planet, smiling. I start to cry again.

   I don’t want to go home, but everytime someone finds out, they always leave. _I don't want to go home. I can’t. I can’t go home._ Unconsciously, I pick up one of the shards of glass. Gripping it tight, I try to build up the courage to do what I know what I need to do. The edges are sharp and it cuts the palm of my hand, but I don’t loosen my grip. I _can’t go back, I can’t go back, I **won’t** go back._ I’m so focused on my little mantra I don’t hear the Doctor knocking on the door. Or his screwdriver opening the door. I don’t even notice he’s in the room until he drops down beside me and wraps his arms around me. He wraps a hand around the one holding the piece of glass that is now poised right above my wrist.

   “Please, please let go,” he begs. I resist for a minute before dropping my hand letting the glass fall onto the floor with a clang. “That’s it, I’ve got you.” I collapse into him, sobbing.

   “You weren’t...You weren’t supposed to come after me. If I had known...”

   “You would've what? Stopped? Not done it?” He studies me. “No... that’s not what you were going to say at all is it? What were you going to say?”

   “I would have been faster,” I gasped. “You weren’t supposed to find me until...”

   “Until after you were gone? Y/N, do you know what that would have done to me? Do you know what finding your dead body would have done to me? The guilt I would never, ever be able to get rid of? Why? Why are you doing this?” Instead of answering I start crying again. Thankfully, instead of pressing me, he holds me closer. When I finally get control of myself again, I stand up, pushing away from him. I turn around so I can’t see his face when I say, “You can take me home now.” I can’t see him, but I feel him falter. That’s not at all what he expected me to say.

   “Home?”

   “Yeah, home.” I spin back around. “You can take me home.”

   “Why would I... Do you really not want to be around me now? I’m sorry, I was just worried about the cut, I didn’t think...”

   “Didn’t think what? Didn’t think you would find scars?” He nods slowly. I soften my voice a bit. “That’s not it. Just- just take me home.”

   “Look, Y/N, if you really want me to I will, but... why?” His voice is so sad it hurts.

   “Doctor, you can drop the act. I don’t care.”

   “Drop the... I don’t understand.”

   “Every person I’ve ever shown these to has left. Nobody wants a broken girl to deal with. I understand. It’s fine. Just take me home.”

   “I...I don’t want you to leave.”

   “Doctor, please,” I plead, “Don’t lie to me.” I try so hard to keep the tears from falling.

   “I-I’m not. I don’t want you to leave.”

   “Maybe not now, but soon enough...”

   “Y/N, this doesn’t change anything. I don’t know why you think it does.”

   “Because it always does!” I shout. “Everybody leaves!” Anger feels better than sadness and it keeps the tears at bay.

   “I’m not going to-”

   “God, Doctor, I understand you’re too nice to say it to my face, but you don’t have to. Just take me home. I won’t judge you for it. I understand.”

   “I don’t want to leave you.”

   “STOP LYING!” I regain my temper slightly. “I can’t stand you lying to me.” I look away as the tears start to fall down my face.

   “Y/N look at me.” He says softly. “Look at me.” He pulls my chin up so I’m looking into those big, sad, brown eyes. “I’m not leaving you and I’m not lying. Now, I’ll take you home if you really want me to, but I’m telling the truth when I say I don’t want to. I don’t want you to leave me.” I see it in his eyes that he’s serious and nearly collapse. He catches me as I stumble and I start to cry against him again. He strokes my hair soothingly and says, “I’ve got you. I’m not leaving you. I won’t ever leave you,” over and over again until I finally stop. “You’ve cut your hand pretty deep. Can I take you to the med bay so I can help you?” All I can do is nod. He helps me stand and we make our way down the halls of the TARDIS. When we get there, he sits me on a counter and starts moving around, gathering supplies. Once he’s bandaged my hand up, he asks, “Can I- Can I look at them?” He motions to my arm. I flinch, leaning away. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I don’t need to.”

   “No, it’s okay.” It takes all of my will power to let him touch me and move my sleeve out of the way. I look away as he studies my arm, ashamed.

   “Y/N, some of these aren’t that old...”

   “Yeah well, my life before you showed up wasn’t the best.”

   “You- you haven’t done it since you’ve been with me?” I shake my head.

   “Doctor, why did you ask me to come with you?” His brows crinkle and he asks, “What are you talking about?”

   “Why did you ask me to travel with you?” I think back to the night he found me, wandering the streets at almost one in the morning, crying. “Was it out of pity?”

   “What? Of course not! Y/N, I asked you to come with me because I saw something in you. I saw bravery and courage and a sense of wonder and I wanted to show you the stars because I thought it might bring a smile to your face and I wanted to see your eyes light up with happiness.” I start crying again, this time out of relief. I was honestly so worried he would give me some bullshit answer, trying to avoid the real reason, but he sounds so honest.

   There’s a pause. “What happened the last time someone looked at these?" he asks, motioning to my arm. I don’t answer so he says, “You pulled away when I asked, someone hurt you when you let them look. What happened?”

   “They made fun of me.” My voice is scratchy from all the crying I’ve done. “They told me I was weak, useless, and that if I hated myself that much, I should just kill myself.” Tears start to leak out of my eyes again at the memory. He pulls me into a hug, one hand cradling my head, the other pulling me close against him. I hug him back with as much strength as I have left.

   “I’m sorry you’ve had such awful people in your life, but I swear to you, I won’t be one of them.” I nod and he picks me up saying, “Come on, you need some sleep.” He’s at my bedside when I wake up. He smiles softly at me when he sees my eyes open. Everything comes rushing back to me and I look away, unable to hold his gaze. He crawls onto the bed with me and lifts my chin so I’m looking right at him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I’m really, truly sorry.”

   “It’s okay, Doctor. It’s not your fault.”

   “Are you okay?” he asks gently.

   “You know, that’s a good question.” He smiles sadly and pulls me into a hug.

   “I’m always here for you. Anything you need. I’ll sit and listen if you want to talk. Or you don’t have to. Just tell me you’re sad and I promise I’ll make you happy again. Okay?”

   “Okay.” After a pause I say, “Doctor, I need a hug.” It comes out in a whisper. It’s so hard for me to admit I’m not alright, but he doesn’t make me feel bad about it. He just holds me tight and doesn’t let go until I do. Once I pull back he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a key.

   “It’s a key to the TARDIS. I will be around for as long as you’d like me to be, but sometimes you’re going to need a break, and that’s okay. I just want you to know that even if I’m not there you have a way of contacting me. It’s not just a key to the TARDIS, but a link to it as well. You just have to squeeze it and I’ll come, okay?” I take the key and stare at it. “Y/N, even if you’re with me... I’ll still know if you squeeze it. I understand it can be hard admitting you’re not okay so if you don’t want to say it out loud, all you need to do is squeeze and I’ll know.”

   “Thank you Doctor, you don’t know how much this means to me. And I’m sorry.”

   “Sorry? Sorry for what?”

   “Sorry that I was such a mess yesterday, but mostly I’m sorry I- I’m sorry I tried to...” I can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth.

   “Kill yourself?” he whispers. I nod and look away, ashamed and embarrassed. He sighs. He’s quiet for so long I finally look back up at him. There are tears running down his face. “I- I can’t bare to think what would have happened if I had been any longer. If I hadn’t come after you when I did. I just- I pictured you, lying there, bleeding out, without there being anything I could do and now I can’t get the image out of my head. I-” He’s cut off by his own crying. I hug him, crying as well.

   “I’m so, so sorry Doctor. I didn’t think about you finding me, honest. I was just too wrapped up in my own head to think about... I’m sorry I was so selfish Doctor.” He looks directly into my eyes and says, “I need you to promise me something. And I need you to be sincere about it. Do you understand? Don’t just promise because I asked you too. I need you to mean it.” I nod. “Promise me you if you ever feel like... like doing that again, you will find me. I don’t care if you tell me or not, I just want you to be around me, okay? I won’t be able to function if everytime you leave my sight I’m worried about you dying. I just can’t stand the thought...”

   “I promise Doctor. I swear. I won’t do it again.”

   “That’s not what I asked. I just want to know that if you feel like that ever again you will come find me.”

   “I promise. I really, truly promise.” I hate the thought of him constantly worrying about me. “Thank you,” he sighs. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

   “Y/N there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” He wraps me up in his arms and holds me close until I finally feel like myself again. Like maybe I’m not the most horrible person in the universe.


End file.
